bEhInD cLoSe dOoRs

What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see my smiles?
Do you see the laughter?
Do you see all the happiness?
Do you see past the front to what really lies beneath?
Do you see the walls I put up to keep them out?
Do you see all the tears that stained my face?
Do you see the fears that I try to hide?
So do you see the truth in me or just the truth I want you to see?

Tons of things running thru my mind.  Things which i cant seem to share with anyone.  I beleve every each one of us has a deepest secret within us that we keep to ourself.  I believe we have things we would never tell even though we are sooooo close to a particular person. 

Why is that so?  Coz of our ego?  Our pride?  Our stubborness?  Our fear?

Our biggest challenge is to face ourself.  To overcome our weaknessess and fears.  It takes time and a HUGE effort.  Most of us dont seem to have any of that.  We juz push it aside and hope that as time pass by, as we grow, as we become more n more matured, these weaknesses and fears will go away.  Yes probably as years gone by, we’ll be a much better person.  But all that is not because we have overcome our weaknesses and fear.  That is thru experience and learning.  What we see and hear and feel for the past few yrs has taught us what we should do and should not do, at the right time and at the right place.  But i still believe many of us still have not overcome our own challenge. 

As for me, im still fighting.  Its so tough that you’ll tend to give up.  But you cant leave it behind just like that.  It will haunt you forever if its not solve and more problems will arise in the future.  Hopefully i can change myself to be a better person for everyone, including myself.  In this way, it will be a much happier environment to live in.

So right now, people will just have to bear with me for who i am and wait patiently for that near-to-perfect me.  :p

My gawd.  This blog has been untouch for soooooo long.  I just didnt have the time.  Things have been sooo hectic recently.  Anyway its time to update i guess.

Since the muslims’ holidays i have been very very busy.  All maids including my babysitter went back to their hometown so we had to do all our things by ourselves.  Initially my babysitter told me that she will be back but in the end, she never turn up.  This puts me in alot of trouble.  I cant go to work not to uni.  I am tied dwn by my daughter.  Three weeks ago she was dwn with a fever and sore throat.  She got well a week after that.  but not long after that, she caught the cough and flu.  This time was quite bad.  Everytime she sleeps, she will cough and then vomit.  Its very sad to see her this way.  Luckily a week later she got better.  This was the 1st time she fell sick since the moment she was born.  Aside from putting my full attention on her, i have lots of things to do.

I am currently so stressed up. So full with tons n tons of things. Lookin after nicole (no babysitter, plus she is sick and therefore frequent vomitings, showering her, feeding meals, putting her to bed, etc), tidy the hse (hse is in a mess. Everything everywhere), arranging nicole’s bday party (making sure enough chairs, looking for catering, thinking of decorations, goody bags, cake, drinks, etc.), clearing n settling bills (water bills, credit card bills, parent’s water bills, internet bills, catering bills, etc), mind maps (at least 5 of them), articles (at least 8 i think), 2 major assgnmnts (20 pages in total), exams coming soon, person-in-charge for family end of yr gathering (laison with hotels, think of things to do, air tics, etc.) and i think there is still plenty. Gawd! Cant seem to breath and obviously no time for myself. Anyone wanna take over my position? *lol*

So can u imagine hw busy i am?!

Next news is that her bday party juz passed.  It was held last sun at my parents place.  We had a small gathering of families and friends.  We had lunch and there are kids activities, such as ceramic painting and handph key chain making.  We had baloon decorations around the house and a beautiful cake.  The party was far fr grand but i believe we had a great time.  Pictures are posted so you guys can check it out.

Finally i managed to get a babysitter few days ago. Thanks to my mum n mum-in-law. They took a 5hrs drive. The agency is sure far away. Anyway this new babysitter seems not bad. Hopefully she can look after Nicole as me n my husband expectation.  So now i hv started training her. Thankfully she knows epretty much everything by now (of cors with my mum-in-law supervision and help) and i can start doing what i need to do. Gawd, there is so much to catch up. Im lagging and my work is in a mess. Havent have the time to do anything.

Now that exams are close, i need to start looking at my books.  After that i gonna attend Janice’s wedding in Singapore.  Cant wait for that.

Okie dokie.  Think thats it for now.  I gotta rush off.  As usual.  So i shall see u when i see u.  TTFN.

Hi all,  guess u all noe by now im at US.  I have been here for 2wks and now im at New York.  Tomoro is another day of shopping and then heading hm the day after.  So far the trip was good.  Went to Orlando and visited Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Epcot, MGM, Universal Studio and a whole day of shopping at premium outlets.  Then went to Washington (White hse, Abraham Lincoln memorial and Jefferson memorial) and headed dwn to Canada.  Went to the great Niagara Falls and then dwn to Toronto.  After Toronto, we went to Corning to visit the glass museum.  It was gd, knowing hw glass ornaments are made.  Then went to Harrisburg, the Hershey choc factory.  In the afternoon headed to New York so here i am.  Now im in the hotel and falling asleep soon.  I juz went to the Phantom of the Opera show.  It was really good.  Tomoro’s plan is to shop til we drop.  And finally going hm.  I cant wait to see my daughter.  Miss her alot.  Guess thats enuf summary of my hols so far.  Cant go into details coz my eyes are not coorperating.  So will continue this when i reach back jkt.  if u guys wanna see pics, pls check out my facebook k.  Posted here is only my daughther’s pic.  So take care you all and life’s great!

Gosh!  It has been almost half a year since I last blogged.  Another 9days would be exactly 6mths.  There is so much to update.  So much has happened so I will just update the main ones.

My grandma has passed away on the 3^rd of March.  I managed to see her for the last time.  Everyone said she is waiting for me.  I was in Jakarta n I flew into Singapore on the 2^nd and arrived in the afternoon.  She was still awake and could recognize me.  Not long after that, she asked for a bath and some food.  We feed her and gave her a quick shower and she went to bed.  She slept very soundly til the next morning.  She never once wake up to say that she is in pain (which she alwaz do).  When morning comes, grandpa told us grandma is already on her way to the other better world.  He asked us not to call or wake grandma up as it would cause her more suffering.  We (family members) all gathered around her bed, praying for her and giving our last respect and care.  It was such a sad situation.  Anyway she passed away in the afternoon, peacefully.  I am so glad for that.  So we had our funeral process in Tanjung Pinang, Riau and she was cremated on that following Sunday.  Now that she is gone, I missed her soooo much.  I alwaz think about her, where she is now, is she living a better life.  All these questions of mine have no proven answers and all I can do is to believe that she is happy and peaceful at last.  If asked, have I gotten over it, I would say not really.  There are just so much memories of her and images of the funeral flashes thru my mind every now n then.  I guess now only time can heal all this emptiness in me.

Now on the bright side, my daughter is 7tmhs old.  She is 12kg n 70cm in length.  I know she is too heavy for her age but the weird thing is the doc says she is fine.  I begin to lessen her milk consumption.  She has started eating soft foods as well.  Messy eater she is.  She is fun and cute rite now.  She likes playing and attention.  She loves her shower time and she can recognize people now.   So who ever she does not know, she would not smile at u, she would even cry.  Haha…  She is very chubby and I can guarantee u that u wont be able to carry her more than half hour max.  Everyone who sees her would want to touch or pinch her cheeks.  Yes, she is that chubby.  I have add a pic of her.  Check it out for yourself.  =)

I cant wait til the 3^rd week of June.  Me and my fam are leaving for the US for hols.  So excited.  Im gonna take all the rides I can get my hands on and do some shopping.  But the sad hing is im leaving my daughter behind for almost 3weeks.  Will miss her so much.

Okie dokie.  That’s for now.  Will update again when im back from the US (if I have the time and if im not lazy. Lol).  Ttfn…

*sigh*  Things have been going up n dwn recently.  My daughter is doing gd, growing steadily.  All her necessary documents that need to be done are finally settled, that includes her passport.  So now she can travel with me.  My family (me, my hubby, my daughter and my mum-in-law) plan to go Singapore on the 27th Dec 07 for hols and staying til 3rd Jan 08.  But now i might go earlier than plan.  Me n Nicole might leave for Sg next week, depending on situation. 

U guys must be wondering what situation.  Well, my parents just broke the news to me on Saturday night, thats 3nights ago, that my grandma is very sick.  They just brought her for an xray and she has lung cancer.  It was already in stage 3.  The news took me by surprised,  I felt even more shocked and sad when they told me that the doc said she only has 6mths left and with chinese doc treatment (shin she), probably she could have another 2yrs.  But nothing is promised.  But then only a few days ago my parents were told again by the doc that the damn virus has spread pretty fast and grandma might be gone anytime.  Thats bad news.  A news i neva want to hear.  I noe grandma has been very weak since i got married but im not expecting it to be this serious.  Grandma have been coughing for quite sometime and she is a smoker too but yet no one thought about checking her lungs.  My parents said no one had suspected that there might be a problem with her lungs.  Honestly to me, it was not a good enough reason that they didnt check on her lungs earlier.  I mean she was complaining that her body ache and she feels weak, her eyes hurts, etc and they brought her to all sort of check ups (kidney, eyes, etc except lungs).  But on top of that she is also coughing.  Y no one thought of her lungs.  Dsnt makes sense isnt it.  But now its too late and ters no point blaming anyone.  Now she is depending on pain killers.  I just hope she can hold on and live her life to the max.  Since Nicole is born, grandma have not seen her.  That is the reason y i want to go singapore earlier.  I want to make her happy and make her a proud great grandmother.

Enough on that i guess.  I should be heading hm now.  My daughter waiting for me.  Oh i forgotten to mention, i have started working already.  Cant stay put at hm doing nothing.  It bores me.  So i hv decided to work half day for the time being.  Alritey, time to finish up whats left on my table and chao~~.  Will write again soon i hope.

Ok i know i havent been updating my blog since my baby is born and tons of pple have been asking abt it.  So sorry but it isnt my fault.  Traditions still rules so im caged at hm for 30days and now im at my parent’s place.  Oficially i can only go out from the 10th onwards.  So now its juz my place and my parent’s place.

Juz a quick and short blog this will be as i havent got much time at the moment.  My baby, Nicole Marilyn Ma, was born on the 30th Oct 07 at 19.28.  She weighs 3050grams and 48cm in length.  I went thru ceasarean as my blood pressure went up suddenly.  The doc says lets wait 4 a day and if my blood pressure does not go dwn, it is dangerous for both the baby n me so will have to operate.  Since he said that, me and my fam (incl. my parents and grandparents) decided to go ahead with the operation and not wait for normal delivery.  So the choosing of time began and it was said between 7pm and 8pm is the best timing.  And so here she is.

If u were to ask, it was a scary experience.  Well at least to me.  I have to go into the operation rm myself.  My hubby cant come along since it is ceasarean.  If normal delivery he could accompany me all the way.  So i went in, feeling scared and alone.  Further i hate and was TERRIFIED of needles and i know they need to stick a few of them in me.  That doesnt put me at ease at all.  So i have to face my fears alone and i cant describe how i felt when finally its all over.  Relieved, happy, excited, tired, cold, etc.  It was a mixed up feeling.  Anyway long story if i were to write dwn all details.  Will do that in my next blog.

So you guys can be expecting more blogs and pics.  Hopefully i can get it up as soon as possible.  So tata for now.

Oh one last thing, thank you to all those who have msged me, be in on hp or friendster.  Glad that i still have plenty of friends that remembers me esp. those whom i have not meet for quite some time.  Take care and hope 2 c u guys soon.  Cheers.

I think its time for me to blog again.  Gosh its been so long.  As baby grow older, the more lazier i became.  Hahaha…

Baby now is 34wks old and i can feel her getting heavier n heavier.  So that makes me out of breathe very easily and i cant seem to bend down anymore.  Gives me a hard time cleaning my feet or scratching it when its itchy.  Hehehe…  She is getting naughty too.  Keeps on kicking and moving inside.  I can feel her movements and sometimes it is quite painful when she does it too hard.  But overall im still happy coz that shows hw active she is.  Hopefully she is as healthy too.

Now its 13th oct, which means im left with 1mth 2wks n 1day to my edd.  Thats fast huh.  I cant wait altho feeling kinda misxed up.  Scared, excited, happy, all mixed up.  I cant wait to carry her in my arms but yet at the same time scared of the pain i hv to go thru.  Now im praying that she will be out ASAP.  Hopefully no complications and she dun take her time inside my tummy.

Fasting mth started today and im suppose to go on holiday with my fam on the 12th oct.  Its only a 2hrs drive fr Jkt.  Dad allowed me to go but my mum kinda worried n she manage to persuade my dad to cancel everything.  *sigh*  Holiday but stuck at hm.  How sian.  Anyway i will try to find things to do somewhere somehw then.  Most prob either lazing at hm or going out to find baby stuffs.  Hmmm…..  *wondering what things r yet to be completed b4 baby arrives*

Okie dokie.  I wanna get back to my work so shall sign off now.  Probably my next entry would be after my daughter is born.  Hahaha…  So juz wait patiently and will keep u guys updated k.  Love ya all n cant wait to see u (those coming in Nov)  =)

Another blog of pouring out whats been annoying me today.

Early morning my dad hv been nagging.  1st he say the clothes im wearing to office today look like pyjamas.  Hello all this while u neva say anything den suddenly 2day u come n pick on my clothes juz becoz u r not in a gd mood.  Den i say if i keep wearing my pinafore, mum will say why i keep on wearing that.  Den dad say ask me go buy.  I say search with mum already but couldnt find anything nice over here. 

2nd he say i neva read any books abt looking after baby n other things to do with pregnancy.  Again im offended.  What do they know.  Do they know i subcribed to a pregnancy website regarding info aery week?  Do they know i got read books at hm?  Do they know i did asked around and reading for more info?  No mum n dad doesnt know anything and that makes them not in the position to say me.  They have no rght to anyhow blame people for what they have not done.  Ugh!!!

3rd dad say i shouldnt help my aunt to pick up her uncle.  I went to the airport to pick up my xiaosen’s uncle on friday coz she asked for my help as she got something on.  My parents view is that my aunties alwaz take me for granted and asking me for help.  I know that and im not a lil gal anymore who cant see when shld i help n when i shldnt.  Last fri i said ok becoz there really isnt anybody who can help out.  So wat did i get in return.  Got told off for helping out n tiring myself.  I know my parents care for me as im pregnant now and they dun 1 me to be too tired but also showing thier concern this way isnt what i want.

4th dad asked if i know abt my brothers attitude towards my mum.  I knew that he was rude to her a few days ago.  Partly is his fault and another part he is just not feeling well.  I mean i can understand both sides and i hv already told my bro that next time he shld do this n he shld do that.  And again what did i get.  My dad sayin me that i cant talk to my bro, cant tell him whats right.  n i was like…..  excuse me.  I was so annoyed by this time.  My parents alwaz want us kids to see thier point of view and agree with them but they neva seem to understand what is on our minds.  No wonder my sister n bro neva listen and agree to them most of the time.  Thay juz cant communicate two ways.  Too much one way communication.  *sigh*  I really pity both parties.

Thats fr my dad and as if thats not enuf, my mum called and again, blaming me for something she cant find.  She lent me her coin pouch a few mths back when i go singapore and i hv returned it to her.  I very clearly remember that i have passed the pouch to my lil sis, asking her to pass to mum and nw she cant find it den come n nagged at me saying i neva return her.  When i told her it is positive i hv returned it to her, she say i very good in talking and ask me go n search n think properly.  What an insult to me.  She cant remember where she keep her things but dun come n blame me.  Thats so unreasonable.  As she grow older, she cant seem to remember where she keep her stuffs.  Even my dad say so.  So scared of her.  Next time when pass her something, be it impt or not, im going to include a handing over form where she gotta sign. 

Gosh.  Can u imagine I gotta take all this rubbish early morning.  Dunno whats gotten into them.  My hubby say my dad is juz tired after his biz trip dwn to Cambodia and my mum is having hormonal change as the cause of menopause.  *sigh*  yeah probably they are juz not in a good mood but still…..  I juz cant stand people when they nag without reason.  Thats juz me i suppose.  Anyway its gonna be lunch time soon n my mum is here in the office.  She came to meet my dad i think.  Hopefully she dun nag here or else i think i will blow  up.  Juz too much for a mon morning.

Its been quite sometime since i last blogged.  Now its time for some updates.

I went Bali a few weeks ago with my fam, except my bro n hubby.  Hubby didnt go becoz tied up with work.  Bro didnt come along coz he was in Singapore.  So there’s only my parents, me n my 2 sis.  It was a great fam getaway.  We went for 3nights n 4days, stayed at Ritz Carlton Hotel and the view is awesome.  The hotel pool is facing the horizon directly.  We can see the sunrise or sunset v clearly.  It was amazing.  The weather is good and it is completely relaxing.  Too bad i didnt bring my cam along.  Forgotten all abt it.  But i did took a few photos with my mobile.  Will try to post it up later.

It was the 25th of Jul when we came back to jkt and a few days after that, we are heading to bogor for a 2day company meeting.  Stayed at Novotel for 1nite.  The hotel wasnt that great though.  This time round my whole fam went.  My hubby got to attend the meeting (which is held for 2 full day) whereas im excusable.  Hahaha…  I only follow thru the 1st day n as 4 d 2nd day, i went to Bandung with my mum, lil sis n bro.  Met my 4th n 5th aunty n fam there, went for lunch at Strawberry House (a very nice n cooling place with fresh strawberries) and after that d 3mothers (my mum n 2aunts) went shopping.  Me head back to Bogor with 7kids, inc. my bro.  Luckily we split in 2cars or else i’ll be in trouble.  Im in the same care with 4kids and i can tell u, its tough.  Kids can be playing a min n righting the next min.  Gotta monitor them every now n den.  So that means no rest.  Gosh so tiring.  The journey back n forth Bogor n Bandung was like 8hrs in total.  Can u imagine.  So i almost spent the whole day in the car, except when having lunch.  By the time arrive in Bogor, i was dead tired.  The kids took a short rest n its time for dinner.  So i brought them for dinner (at the hotel) while waiting for my mum n aunts.  They finally arrived at 8pm, after an enjoyable shopping trip.  We had dinner together (with the company colleagues n all) and at 10.30pm we are ready to go back Jkt.  REached hm at 11.30pm n by 12pm i was soundly asleep.  Hahaha…  Couldnt take it anymore.  Drop dead already.

Now its the 9th July n im 6mths pregnant.  Baby Nicole hv been kicking n turnin in my tummy.  Its kinda scary n fun at the same time to know that there is a living thing inside ur tummy.  Im getting used to it but nw my tummy getting bigger n heavier, making it a lil bit more diff to more abt, esp sleeping at night.  But overall still not so bad.

For d past few days, i havent been exactly feeling well.  I feel nausea and on sat n sun i vomitted *yucks*  hated that.  Sat before lunch i puked after taking my prenatal vitamins.  I have neva liked that vitamin.  It alwaz makes me feel not ok but i hv 2take it anyway for the sake of the baby.  But dunno y on Sat, after drinking d tablet, 30min ltr i cldnt take it anymore n out it came.  I feel so sick after that.  N last nite, b4 going to bed, dunno what came over me but i juz feel nausea juz min b4 i close my eyes.  Went to d toilet n out came some stuffs.  EEeeeeeewwwwww.  Anyway went to bed after that n woke up at 7am, still feeling tired n sleepy (juz like now)  *grinz*

My hubby n i r planning for a short getaway b4 Nicole is born.  Both of us knew once she is out, we’ll b very busy n would not b able to go any where.  I have looked around for info and we hv 2choices in mind atm.  Either Kampung Sampireun or Pulau Umang.  I called up the places last sat n according to d marketing dept, Kampung Sampireun is fully booked and as for Pulau umang we still can make it.  So we kinda decided on that one even tho its more ex.  This morning when i want to confirm my booking, the Pulau Umang reservations told us that they r fully booked.  What the hell.  Im so pissed off.  So nw im calling here n there, complaing n tryin 2 get a rm for the days we want.  But on d other hand im looking at other places too incase i still cant get any rm but there isnt anywhere to go without flying.  I doubt my parents will lemme go travelling on plane.  Nw im 6mths pregnant, they will definately say tis n tat.  Gawd!  How how how!?!?!?!  Hopefully i still can argue my way thru n get a rm in Pulau Umang.  Betta pray harder.

Its 11am and i gotta get back to work.  Hopefully will get to write again sometime soon, that is if im not too lazy.  Hahahaha….  Cya mates.  Chao~~